Some Thoughts on Failures and Setbacks
Failures and setbacks are very important, even though they do not feel good.
Failures and setbacks are difficult for various reasons. We may personalize a failure; we view ourselves as a failure because we did not achieve our goal. The failure appears to reveal or exemplify some inner defect about ourselves.
Setbacks can feel humiliating and embarrassing, especially when they are seen by others. They may bring on feelings of shame, inadequacy, and insecurity.
Failures can generate negative feelings towards others. We may become frustrated and blame others when we fail at something. It may be easier to blame others rather than take ownership for our failures. We may become envious of those who succeeded where we did not.
But failures and setbacks are amongst the most important and valuable experiences we can have for various reasons.
First, they offer a crucial opportunity to improve at something. Failing is part of the process. It offers the chance to explore why we did not succeed. Perhaps we were not sufficiently prepared, have not built the requisite skill sufficiently, or panicked. Failures show us how we can prepare more, build our skills before our next attempt, and become more at ease with a particular task. They indicate that we should change how we approach a given task, and that we have room to ameliorate.
Second, failures reinforce humility and mitigate hubris. Failures keep our feet on the ground and keep our egos in check. They help us recognize and confront our weaknesses.
Third, learning how to fail and try again is a valuable and necessary skill that we can continually improve. New jobs, studies, hobbies, and other endeavors all involve challenges and setbacks. Frequently, how we handle failure shapes whether we succeed. Whether we notice it or not, we are often several failures away from achieving a goal. The ability to persist and focus on incremental improvement allows us to overcome these setbacks and achieve something. And we can be more compassionate towards ourselves — and towards others — because we view failures as part of the process and not the outcome. We also waste valuable time when we cannot manage failures and setbacks. The time spent being frustrated, blaming others, or ruminating can instead be used to learn from our experience, internalize feedback, or try again.
Fourth, paradoxically, failures are a form of success. We may may not pursue a goal that interests us because we are afraid to fail. Trying is itself an accomplishment. So is trying again when we have failed previously. We build resilience through setbacks. And this resiliency better ensures that we do not preemptively avoid challenges or limit ourselves because we fear failure. Learning from setbacks helps us get out of our own way.
Fifth, the frustration associated with failures reveals something crucial: we care about something. Setbacks help us identify what matters to us. They also force us to confront an important question: why am I doing this? The reason why we pursue something, in turn, can shed important light on our values, interests, and incentives. We may realize that we are pursuing a goal because of some extrinsic motivation or pressure, such as a desire for status, approval by others, external validation, or conforming to someone else’s expectations. This realization may also alert us that we are pursuing something for the wrong reasons, which can re-orient us towards something that aligns more closely with our values. Or, we may find out that we are internally motivated by our interests or enjoyment, the pursuit of self-actualization, appreciation for the craft, a desire to help others, or something else. Setbacks allow us investigate why we do what we do.
Yet we miss all of these opportunities when we do not experience setbacks, or when we do not place ourselves in a position where we may fail. Failures and setbacks take us outside of our comfort zone, help us discover new insights about ourselves, and are a vital part of personal growth. Our ability to bounce back from failures and setbacks is one of the most important skills that we can build.
Failures and setbacks do not show us our limits, and they do not dictate what is possible. Rather, our capacity to persist in the face of failure teaches us that we do not know our limits, and that we can achieve goals that we believe are impossible. In many cases, we do not realize that a difficult goal is within reach. We simply haven’t failed enough yet.
All views expressed in this blog are my own and do not represent — and are not endorsed by — any academic institution.
